TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely from place. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, positive, let us have One more location exactly where American men can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer All people a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he should really cease utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You understand, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from House, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the constructing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting awareness from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge in which my PTSD may have transform-down services."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. Trump Tower Damascus officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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